Hey! Who the Darn Wrote the Trump Op-Ed?

An op-ed piece in the New York Times claiming a resistance brewing within the Trump Administration has everyones tongues a wagging. But who is the mysterious sexy masked author?

We’ve enlisted experts to help us do a little digging. They are Dr. Stirling Robertscore (associate professor of Linguistics at Bartham College, and former speechwriter for Pat Buchanan and President Jimmy Carter), Amelia Gorge (senior investigator for the Kansas Fiduciary Crimes Unit, and a training agent for Wikileaks), and Bacon the Clairvoyant Frog (new season coming soon to PBS).

Let’s look at the first quote.

Donald Trump has become a liability. Although he’s our president, and a snappy dresser, he’s making some big mistakes. Huge mistakes. The biggest. Great huge mistakes.

Robertscore: This whole article uses a lot of very telling language. Words like ‘become’, and ‘although’ are very rounded. I would suggest this is a meek, non-confrontational sort. Maybe Mike Pence. Or a pet rabbit.

I sometimes think maybe I’m doing the wrong thing. Maybe it’s rude to question the president. I mean the people voted for him, dummies, am I saying the people are idiots too? Gosh, I’m a joke. Nobody should give any criticism to a guy just doing his best. And doing well!

Gorge: I have been researching this for days. The font Georgia can be traced back to a Swedish design school, but the bad news is all articles on the New York Times use it. This could take longer than we thought.

Officials such as I are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of Trump’s agenda and his worst inclinations, but he is too physically strong. Small hands just mean more potential kinetic fury. Raccoons have small hands, would you pick a fight with them? I have and I wouldn’t again, although it was a close match and I only lose because I was tired from The Apprentice…he was tired from The Apprentice…nobody was tired. Love, Don.

Bacon: Trump. Trump. Trump

Bacon then began to hop away

Bacon: Trump.